The Perfect Shoe?

I have never had the perfect pair of nice red shoes, I don't think. Thinking back, I recall a pair of slip-on Diesel sneaks that were awesome (but smelly, eventually); a pair of shitty vintage pumps whose soles fell apart on the first wearing (ah, vintage); a pair of woven leather Dolce Vita moccasins that are comfy as hell but sorta make my feet look fat and are difficult to keep on the feets -- and that's it. I did frequently borrow a pair of Tamron's when we were roomies back in the day: Red heels can really pump up a black-pantsed professional look, and are of course great with jeans for going out, etc. But then she moved and I was s.o.o.l. God, I miss those days of a double shoe wardrobe. And so it is with great glee that I present these fabulous Seychelles peep-toe kitten heels, criminally overlooked by Ms. Lohan in her recent roundup. Are they not just perfect?! I love them so, and they shall be mine in three to five business days. $64.95 plus free shipping! Whee!

They don't give you the pic with the best view of it in big form, but here it is in itty-bitty format anyway.



Totally cute, right?

Dresses I Want

Again, in ascending order of affordability:


($31.50, Fang, Amazon.com)
MKHo informed me that it looks a bit "young" and "unspecial." Well I am definitely ONE but NOT both of those things. Quelle quandary! Oh well.



($49, Double Exposure Elite Resale)
The jacket that comes with this is totes morts, but the dress is rad. VERY "9 to 5."



($59, Ruby Rox, Dillards.com)
Only thing wrong with this is it's made of poly. Booo to fabrics that just don't breathe.



($72, Max & Cleo By BCBG, Overstock.com)
Is this cute or is it too just like... "that girl"? I don't mean like in the Marlo Thomas sorta way, because that'd be rad. But like "Oh look. It's 'that girl.' In 'that dress.' Because I don't wanna be that girl.



($123, Young Fabulous & Broke, Maneaterthreads.com)
So deliciously comfy-looking. Grey jersey = heavenly.



($150, Prospect 44, Le-Fashionista.com)
Strapless '80s-ness meets bubbly-nowness. And that chick looks like Rachel McAdams, no?



($282, Charlotte Ronson, pinkmascara.com)
My answer to MK's maxi dress. Tres beachy!!



($328, Sarah Luna, YLLI)
This dress is marriage material.



($330, Twinkle, Shopbop.com)
Eeeee! It's like a birthday party with straps! Love! Though the cut is questionable -- I can't see anyone except this chick looking great in it.



(Apprx $380, Paul and Joe Sister, Net-a-porter.com)
Drooooooling (though possibly because my office presently smells like spaghetti.)



($427, Cass Guy, Amazon.com)
So much beauty in just one simple silk dress.



($450, Tracy Reese, eDressme.com)
Amazing.


And with that, I leave you with this insane-looking photo of a woman grabbing her couture breast:

Endless Shoes, and a Free Five-Spot!

Earlier this year, Amazon launched endless.com, a site that sells shoes and handbags. And it's not bad, not bad at all. It's pretty massive in fact, and may just give Zappos a run for its money. Plus, taking free overnight shipping one better, they've got NEGATIVE $5 shipping! Seriously, they say. You get $5 off when you choose overnight shipping. Awesome! I looked through it with the budget shopper in mind, cause, uh, she's me.



I like the toughness of this Aerosoles Women's Chrome Body sandal, $78.95. And I like the blue leather (it also comes in brown, black, and tan). I'm afraid it might be a bit dowdy looking though. Thoughts?





In a similar vein but even more desirable are these Aerosoles Women's Teal Estate wedges, $78.95. I even like the studs. I've been looking for another pair of tan heels, something versatile, ya know? These might just be it.



I'm not quite sure when one would ever need red and white shoes, but I find these Aerosoles Who Knew sandals, $78.95, to be pretty fun nonetheless. One of the few instances in which I would consider allowing patent-leather to come near my person.



Oh wow, what a cute, practical (read: low-heeled) shoe: The NaNa Derry wedge, $59.90. The only problem is deciding which color to get: It comes in blue, black, mint, red, and yellow.



A bit clunkier, and therefore funkier, are these Nana Dooley pumps with a one-inch heel. $64.90; also in red, ecru, and black.



I can't decide about these. You know when you have a wedding to go to, and you're like, I need gold shoes? Could these be those shoes? Looks sturdy enough for dancing, and the color looks subtly champagne-y. I think I like. What do you think? Kenneth Cole Reaction Frankie Pants sandals, $64.90.



I used to have a pair of pointy-toed sandals that I loved and wore mercilessly for about three summers straight. I had them repaired two times and then one day in West Chelsea the cork and the rubber came plum off the sole. I miss them. And so it was with glee that I noticed this Hype Rhea sandal, $39.79. Unfortunately I don't think I really like that crystal brooch thing. Shame.



Nine West Jenaya sandal, $74.95. Brown sandal. Looks pretty fun, yes?



Now, I've been searching for some new ballet flats for some time. These technically aren't ballet flats, but they are supercool, no? Tribeca Live Large ballet flats, $35.79. Love the cutout on the side. Just wish it came in more colors.



Ditto these. Why only black and off white? That's a waste of a cute, comfy-looking shoe. Sam Edelman Consuelo ballet flats, $88.95.



Farylrobin Beep Low wedges. Beep low? Okaaaaay. Why are shoe names so weird? These remind me of Campers in a way. Me likey. $135.90.

Next up, if they have anything good: endless bags!

Totes Purchased!

Thank you, Bunnyshop. Because of you, I bought this Brooklyn map tote. For $12 plus $3 shipping. Seems like the perfect thing when you're wearing a floral printed dress and have no acceptably matching-ish handbags, as befell me yesterday. Comes in lots of cities/boroughs for you nonBrooklynites, too. I kind of want to buy the Portland one, too, in case I move there one day. But maybe I'll just plan a visit instead....

When Prom Dresses Attack

So, it's prom season, and I'm looking to see "what the kids are wearing these days," since my very own prom was over a decade ago, and also, I didn't even attend it! (I was too busy doing dorky Jewish Leadership Stuff! And I looked totally like Blossom, to make the dorky Jewish Leadership Stuff even more dorky!)

Anyway, here are just a few of the monstrosities I discovered.



($49, Cybergown.com)
This chick is totally gonna get voted Most Likely To Work at a Renaissance Faire The Summer After High School. And there's a reason this dress is only $49.



($79, Cybergown.com)
Most Likely To Still Wet the Bed



($278, Xcite, cbslimited.com)
While there's no question that this dress is completely vulgar, I'd like to draw your attention to the set. WTF? Is that a walk-in tanning booth???



($430, Excite, Simplydresses.com)
Again with the weird tanning/ spa situation. Two in the tub is more fun than one! And these dresses are such a flagrant violation of sense and sensibility that they're ALMOST fun. (Almost.)



($217, Bedazzle, Loralie.com)
From afar there's nothing wrong at all with this one. I LOVE that timeless look of the strapless, drop waist with tulle skirt. BUT. Look more closely. Those flowers are HIDEOUS and SO early '90s. Like the Limited Too puked down the front of an otherwise darling dress. Boo.



($295, Alyce, Therosedress.com)
"I'm not like a regular mom, okay? I'm a cool mom."



($89, Cybernetplaza.com)
Mmm... 100% polyester chiffon... And the choker really adds that little touch of je nais se quoi.



($119, La Femme, Promgirl.com)
The harlequin with lamp lawn lantern look is huge this season.



($59, cybergown.com)
Now don't you think this is just the perfect example of the type of thing that would send the Messiah STRAIGHT back to where s/he came from should s/he alight upon the earth and find THIS garbage roaming the halls of our educational institutions?? Shit, I know I'd be on the first flight back to heaven.



WTF is going on with that dude in the background???




Oooh! Jazzzzay!!!



($389, Promgirl.com)
Most Likely To Work At An Escort Service After Graduation. Don't you just love the "Who me???" pose?



($318, La Femme, tjformal.com)
Most Likely To Already Work At An Escort Agency



($69, Cybergown.com)
Most Likely To Get Pregnant On Prom Night



($389, Promgirl.com)
Most Likely... To Not Be Asked To Prom



($199, Cybergown.com)
Oh fuck no.



($259, Cybergown.com)
They're all gonna laugh at you!


Okay. I just can't do it anymore. My eyes are about to bleed rainbow sequins.


I leave you with a dress I actually LIKE:

($500, Jovani, eDressme.com)

Suiting Up

A reader asks: "Bathing suits for medium-sized girls." Not really a question, but who's counting? I suspected (and then confirmed) that she meant itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie bikinis were out, although of course I do believe that even medium-sized girls can wear 'em. No matter, the reader requested tummy-covering suits and so tummy-covering suits she shall have! Let's do this....



Victoria's Secret actually seems to have the most extensive tankini collection I could find. My favorite is this whimsical polka-dot tankini, $38 for the top and $20 for the bottom. Here's my second fave:



Push-up halter tankini top, $44 for the top and $38 for matching bottoms. Hooray, Miracle Bra!





This suit gets my vote for biggest bitch to get out of. Jantzen strappy one-piece with wraparound belt, $112.



This is slightly boring, but a good basic option: Calvin Klein turquoise tankini, $39.99. Note the magic words for ladies with actual boobies: "lightly padded cups."



J.Crew of course has a solid selection of one-pieces. This polka-dot halter tank, $74, is my fave. Strangely, if you purchase the same suit (but with a lower back) in a solid color (which costs six dollars less), you can order it padded for four more dollars, bringing your total to $72. Following?



Gap nautical one-piece, $34.99. This also comes in tankini form.



I'm also a huge fan of the tankini. Easy when you have to visit the ladies' room, provides a hint of skin and is usually flattering even if you've got a little extra, uh, skin in that area. Gap pique tankini, $50 total.



Here's an unusual take on the tankini: it's all blousy! $52 for the top and $36 for the bottom.



Getting back to one-pieces, the bane of the beach bathroom-goer's existence but sleek and requiring of less sunscreen, which is criminally expensive as it is: BCBG stencil-print one-piece, $134.



Not sure how this would look on a medium sized, rather than extra small, girl, but here you have it: Damsel one-piece, $88.



Probably safer is this cute-as-cherry-pie Betsey Johnson polkadot number. $156.



Billabong athletic one-piece is sporty and sexy at the same time.



This Alice + Olivia floral suit looks smashing! Unfortunately it also looks rather boob-smashing. $187.





Surprisingly enough (or maybe not) Delia's has a pretty cute selection of one-pieces. My favorite is this halter one-piece, which comes in a variety of colors and prints. I like the strawberry and gingham versions. With removable straps; $42.50.



Speaking of gingham, retro cuteness from Juicy Couture, $155.



Ya gotta stay away from florals most of the time, unless you want to end up looking like Mom. At least that's my worry. But I like this OP Polynesian-print one-piece, $74. With cutouts at the chest and sides, which, speaking of...



The cutout situation is getting a little bit ridiculous. I like the above American Apparel suit (on sale for $20!), but just look at the following tragedies. Seriously, what kind of weird world are we living in when American Apparel is looking tasteful? Some serious offenders:



Vicky's Secret cutout suit, $120.



Damsel striped cutaway one-piece, $88. Really?



Trina Turk printed "monokini", $138. What's with this bit-o-floss-up-the-torso trend? Thoroughly weird.



Zimmermann slinky knotted 1-piece, 165 pounds. Who is going to look good in this? Lordie, lordie, give me strength.

And now for some serious mind-bogglers. NOT for the faint of heart or good of taste:




Ummmmm.... $104 for that, folks.



Norma Kamali thinks maybe you'd like a legging bottom to go with your tankini top. What? $110.



Seriously, she is off her rocker. This one costs $275 and is not for swimming or sunning products. What is it good for exactly, attracting C3PO at the Star Wars convention?