Haunt Couture

You've only got a few days left till the Halloween party, and nothing but a few chain-store gift cards to work with. (Go with me on this.) What to do? A few ideas:

Where's Waldo?











I was Waldo one year, and let me tell you, it made for some entertaining
photos. I got the striped tee from American Eagle a few years ago; it was and is fabulously soft, as it is sold in their "sleepwear" section, and it's still for sale. Throw on a pair of jeans, a be-pompommed hat, some brown boots and nerd glasses, and you're good to go.


Nineties High School Burnout/Kate Moss







Yes, just be yourself circa 1991! Gap Corp. will help! Grab this plaid shirt (or a similar version from any thrift store) and some skinny gray stretch jeans from Old Navy. I just purchased a pair of "Special Edition" ones, which are unfortunately not online, but which I can attest totally rock, putting me in somewhat uneasily in mind of a pair I had back in the proverbial day with an almost identical wash and zippers at the ankle. So. Go to the store. Or find a pair somewhere else. Tease your hair up, spray the shit out of it, pile on the eyeliner. Even I don't still have my old Doc Martens, but I bet you've got a pair of Chuck Taylors in your closet (black high-tops only). Extra points for a Metallica shirt underneath.


Fashion Don't













This one's easy. Just get the dumbest clothes you can possibly find, layer them all on top of each other, get these censored black-bar glasses from Fred Flare (hopefully they have rush shipping!) and boom. Donesy.


Spotted Dick
















Because Halloween is really just an excuse to dress like an asshole, take the whole slutty-whatever thing to a new level. Be a leopard, ridiculously. Head to toe. No tail or ears, just ALL SPOTS. Leaving no patch of skin uncovered. You can do it. I didn't feel like linking to every last goddamn thing, so here are your credits: Top, clutch, belt, headband, socks and shoes from Wet Seal; leggings from Forever 21; jacket and shoes (clogs!) from Victoria's Secret; gloves and apron from Target. (Sorry, better hope those leggings are opaque.)


Solid Gold Dancer





This was Michelle T.'s idea, sadly going unused as she will be visiting her mom in Florida and not in party mode. You can find it fully realized at your local American Apparel. I love that American Apparel, on its front page, boasts of a special Halloween sale, basically admitting that a bunch of its clothes are good only as total jokes. Routine not included.

MY costume will remain secret (not that it's particularly unusual, but it shall be cute). Pictures next week, providing I look cute. Which, again, I shall. (Hint: I'm rubbing an excessive amount of red lipstick on my cheeks.)

DO Rejoice In This Treasure Trove of Fashion Mortses

The other week, I'd read about Glamour mag going all Web 2.0 apeshit and opening the floodgates of fashion don'ts to we hungry masses, equipped with digital cameras and an appetite for capturing our city's, town's, street's or even apartment building's elevator's most unsuspecting fashion criminals caught in the act of exercising a total lack of good style or even sense. Then today I read that apparently not everyone understood the whole "unsuspecting" part, and the drama has ensued!

If you're too lazy to click the link (and believe me, I know where you're coming from), here's the deal: Glamour's backpage do's and don'ts section -- arguably the mag's best feature -- features snaps of horrif fashion mortses. They've been showcasing the worst of the worst skintight see-through white pants, wedgies, camel toes, sandals with socks, mom jeans and that sort of thing for years. But, they have the decency to black bar the eyes of the assholes they shoot. Anyway, Glamz decided to empower their online readers with the authority to DIY it. Um, except without the black bars. Or the discretion. Ooopsies. Can we say "Bad Idea Jeans"?

What ensued? Images of totally recognizable peeps (well, if you live below 14th Street), pictures that clearly serve no purpose but to poke fun of the morbidly obese (anyone remember fatchicksinpartyhats.com?) and other doctored or inappropriate images from the annals of the Intertronz. Basically, prepare to see A LOT of butts. Flat butts, half butts, entire ones, black butts, white butts, old and jiggly butts, and even cigarette butts. Oh, and anorexics. And other eating disorders. Also, from those who clearly didn't understand the assignment, you'll also get vacation shots ("In the Bahamas" -- ?!?!?!??) and shots that label the obvious ("Scarf"). Um, thanks.

Kids, we gave you a privilege and you took advantage of it! For SHAME! Yes, I realize the irony and contradiction of us waging a finger at Glamour and its abusers since we ourselves have done what some might argue to be the very same thing. But DAMN IT! Our street fashion mortses are a.) usually discreet; b.) not targeted toward the obese, crazy people, innocent families, kids or super old people (though I will say it's pretty funny when Vice does it); and c.) cooler because we're funny. (Plus, believe me, there are pictures out there of me wearing some questionable fashions, though I prefer to think of them as party costumes or "ensembles," to borrow one from Mimi.

Anyway, here are a few gems...


Requisite white pants shot. Zzzzz.

See? Yukky butts! Toldja!

Uh, this was under the "Cute" category. Where is this considered cute? Bizarroland? Hell? Seattle??

Ok. I'm not gonna lie. This is pretty great.

Ostensibly this girl uploaded this pic of herself as a "Do." Or maybe her friend did. As a cruel, cruel joke.

THIS IS JUST A FUCKIN' GUY LAYING DOWN!!!!!!

Grrrr.

It's not even right to make fun of someone so lacking in judgement and reason. It's like kicking the family dog.

I mean... Seriously. OBVIOUSLY this is not a STREET shot. Did this girl get fucked with after falling asleep at a slumber party?

Well, at least someone got the memo.