Payless Is Just Kidding About These, Right?

I have nothing at all against Payless. Not one thing. They do some great stuff at obviously affordable prices. And I loved their Christian Siriano line as well as Abaete. You need that ONE pair of shoes to match that ONE dress you'll wear to someone's rehearsal dinner and then never wear again? BOOM. Payless. But everyone slips up and makes a mistake once in a while, right? Like, surely these hein-dog silver "hooded" wedges are just a mean joke. A prank, right?

($24.99, Fioni, Payless.com)

Remember, kids. Everyone makes mistakes!

Brian Atwood Atrocity

I usually really like Brian Atwood heels (and will admit to ALMOST ALWAYS thinking of RYAN Atwood from The O.C. [RIP]), but these are both EVERY color too many and every shade of wrong:

(Apprx $574 USD, Brian Atwood, Net-a-porter.com)

I'm counting the SECONDS until they show up on Mariah Carey's feet.

Sad panda.

Happy Hooker Heels For Valentine's Day

I know they've got a touch of the hook to them, but Valentine's Day, like Halloween = embrace your inner tramp. Accordingly, these candy-pink heels are fun. And hi, they're only $26. Plus, Lulu's has a 15% off coupon code, y'awl: VDAY.

($26.50, Lulu's)

Parfait con...

($9, Bourjois, Sephora)

And speaking of polish(ed):

($52, Pink, Lulu's)

A lovely alternative to "FM" hooker heels, for those of you more Rive Gauche than Paris Hilton.

Beyonce's Bringin' Balenciaga Back... Again...

I saw Beyonce in those absurd $4,150 Balenciaga Lego heels at the AMAs the other week, but I was too lazy to "bolg" about it. Thankfully, the absurdly, obscenely hilarious Kingdom Of Style busted wasn't -- she nabbed Ms. Knowles for galavanting about in these trannybot heels.

Anyway, these shoes are Pure Atrocity. Plus, and I'm not usually the first to blow the "soooo last-season" whistle, but these um, are, especially when you're as recognizable as Beyonce and you're wearing primary colored Transformers on your feet at an awards show. Dude, it is YOUR DUTY to bring something FRESH to the table, even if it is something your cray-cray mama made outta Liberace curtains.

Manolo himself deemed these old "hat," if you will, back in September. THE HORROR!

Anyway, LEAVE THEM ALONE, Chris Crocker style. Let them go quietly into that deep, dark hein-shoe resting place in the sky, never to be heard from again. Can we? Please? Forever? Forever and for realsies?

Shoes: Some Awful, Some Not Awful

Holy sheeeyt, y'all! It's a shoe roundup!

Of course, we begin with some horbsness thanks to Irregular Choice, always dependable in the Horbsness department.

($199, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Is this just a New York phenomenon, or is the black and gold liquor store bag distributed universally? Anyway, these look like someone took an otherwise perfectly good healthy heel and suffocated it by tying on a liquor store bag. Without the shitty faux chap or whatever that abomination is, this shoe could be adorable with the striped platform and bow in the bag. Alas, it's not to be.

($132, Dru New York)

Just perfectly beautiful, perfectly perfect winter heels. Too bad Dru isn't sold online. Weepy.

($252, Rachel Comey, Oaknyc.com)

These are such a trainwreck that I almost oddly love them? But maybe I hate them? Mainly they're horrible? I love Rachel Comey, but these are pretty wrong.

($87, Oh Deer! Shoes.com)

For some odd reason, I like these, though I could see buying them and never having anything to wear with them. Love the Louboutin-from-afar red soles!

($55, Asos.com)

These are absolutely rip-shit ridiculous. It's also extremely discouraging that they're actually SOLD OUT, meaning that enough people DIDN'T find these horrendous.

($144, Ted Baker, Asos.com)

What? Oh my GOD, NO! They look like they're being held together by twine!

($121, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Just unfuckingbelievable. Wear these to your next ecstacy-fueled Victorian orgy.

($99, Steve Madden)

Appropriately enough, these embarrassments are called "Hustler," and them come in 20 different shades, each more horrendous than the next! An award of distinction goes out to the horrendous "foil" family, which includes silver and gold, and the patents: fuschia (shown above), deep red, purple, cognac and more! Collect 'em all!

($221, Harlot, Asos.com)

Appropriately enough, these are by Harlot. So so so bad. Why is it so hard to remember that denim is for JEANS ONLY! And the OCCASIONAL jacket. Don't get it twisted, people!

($276, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)

Normally I'm not into cuffs or anything remotely Mary Jane-ish, but I love the colors and how the beige offsets the patent leather. Totes wants!

($132, KG, Asos.com)

Um, these are sorta maybe the most perfect jeweled flats ever.

($474, Nanette Lepore, Shoes.com)

Chocolate brown footwear isn't usually my thing, nor are little punchy perforations and lace ups, so it's odd that I find myself attracted to a boot that consists of all three. Yet I like these.

Yay! I know they're kinda last season, but for the 99.8% of us who can't afford the real thing:

($940, Burberry Prorsum, Nordstrom)


($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Oaknyc.com)

.... Jeffrey Campbell has graciously knocked them off for us! Kbyenow!

The Stuff of Dreams

Anyone who's born the burden of shopping with me knows I totes heart a good deal. But as I age... rapidly... I've begun to take pause and consider the opportunity costs of running around the city to save a few bucks -- sometimes it just ain't worth it, y'all. Therefore, today's post is all about fashion dreams -- the gorshwa stuff I'd LIKE to buy, budget be damned, versus the fashion realities of being broke and actually considering scoping out the racks of Conway just to get a fashion fix. Yes, fashion realities are sometimes just THAT grim, not to mention cold and dark.

Dream Booties
(Rafe, Simply Soles)
Totally gorgeous, totally named for Pat Benetar, totally $345. Boo.

Dream Hooker Heels
($495, DAVIS By Ruthie Davis, Shopbop)
If you're me, and you're probably not, but even so, you've probably seen a lot of these heels around lately (at least in magazines). They're DAVIS By Ruthie Davis, and they make me feel like a giddy drag bunny. I LOVE the heel insert:


It's just about as bondage as I can get, which is to say, not very bondage at all, so they're PERFECT. And not to foresake them by mentioning them half a sentence after bondage talk, but both of my grandmothers were named Ruth, so, in way, spending $495 on them would be like... no wait... it'd still be ridiculous. And I know for a fact one of them would've said, and I quote, "You need five-hundred-dollar shoes like I need a hole in the head" over the matter. Nevertheless, they (my grandmas, may they rest in peace) and the shoes, rule.

More or Less Realistic Boots (Depending Upon Which Day You Ask Me
($131, Bronx, FashionNympho)
These boots are lovely, elegant and practical, and they appear just comfy enough that one might not end up limping away all Mira Sorvino-like in that hilarious night club scene in "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" after going just a few blocks. They're definitely a great price, though I have no idea what Fashion Nympho is, and it sorta seems like the sort of site that would definitely make me hesitate to plunk down my debit card number, but hey, if you really wanna save $20 off the price listed here, go for it.

Pumps of My Reality
($69, Seychelles, Plasticlandclothing.com)
Seychelles, these are super cute, and so are you. And I just want to say... thank you AND your most realistic price point ... for being there for me again.

Completely Unrealistic Jacket
(Ziji, Sugar on La Brea)
"But what?" you may be thinking. "Why, there isn't even a price listed! Just HOW could this be a so-called 'dream' item, hmm?" Trust me. I can tell by her icy glare that she's showing off a pricey piece of tailoring right there. I couldn't blame her for that sneer! And while I can't tell if this is the same jacket, it seems as though my genius Internet sleuthing skills have proven me right -- crazy 'spensie. Yet beauts.

Another Untouchable Garment, This Time, A Dress
($394, Lisli, Frankey's)
Throughout history, men have waged war over dresses far less beautiful than this. Okay, they probably haven't, but it sounds like it'd make a believable beginning to one of those old-tymey fables. Anyway, point is, this dress is perfectly delectable.


Two Accessories of the Same Price, Which Is Very Reasonable (Unless You Can Only Afford to Shop at Forever 21)
($70, Emma Gordon London, Stars and Infinite Darkness)
I love this bag and all of the bags she makes. So creative and pretty pretty princess.

And Also $70
(Urban Bloom)
Seriously, this is gorgeous and elegant, and you could get a much more expensive one by Danielle Pittman, but why?

And Finally... More My Speed
($5, Alternative Apparel, Plastic Land Clothing)

Now excuse me while I melodramatically fling myself over an ottoman.